What About Me?
A young persons' guide to coping with parents' separation or divorce

Sam, 11 and Lindsay, 13
Mum and Dad split up years ago and they're both remarried. Just when we were getting used to living with out two stepbrothers, Mum and Graham announce they're having a baby! They think this will make us into one big happy family but we're not so sure.

INFO FILE

• It can be tough coping with all the changes that can happen when parents meet new people.
• There's no rule to say you must like, love or hate a step-parent - they can't replace your own parents but they might become an important person in your life.
• You can also make up your own mind about stepbrothers and sisters - they're probably finding these changes just as hard.
• Its normal to have mixed feelings about making room for a baby. You've already coped with a lot of big changes - so you know that it takes time to get used to new relationships.
• Even though your baby brother or sister will need more looking after at first, nobody takes your special place. If you're struggling let your mum know how things are for you - perhaps you can work out some time for just the two of you.
• Now that Mum and Graham are married, she might decide to use his surname, but that doesn't mean that you have to; if you are 12 or older you have the right to decide this for yourself.

Jamie, 12
Six, months ago, Mum left Dad because she'd met someone new. It came as a big shock. Dads finding it hard to cope - he gets upset when I go to Mum's. I feel like I'm letting him down, but I miss Mum and want to see her a lot. What can I do?

INFO FILE

• Parents usually do feel hurt or angry when their relationship ends, but it's not your job to look after either of them.
• You have the right to keep in touch with both your parents. Although they may find this hard, you owe it to yourself to have the best relationship you can with each of them.
• Remind them that you love both of them and need both parents in your life.

Steve, 13
I've been putting off telling my friends that my parents have split up. My best friend keeps asking where my Dad is - I don't know what to say.

If you're worried about feeling embarrassed or upset, or how others will respond, remind yourself that:

• Keeping it all to yourself puts even more pressure on you - it's important to find someone you trust to talk to - even if you just want to share a little bit at a time.
• If friends want to know why your parents split up - you don't need to go into detail - it's enough just to say that your parents have been having problems.

Suzie, 14
My Mum and Dad are about to get divorced and the court sent me a form to fill in. if I do give my views, does this mean that I'll get what I want - and will my parents see what I've written?

• Form (F9) is sent to 11-16 year olds from the Court.
• It gives you the chance to give your opinion on living arrangements when parents divorce.
• If you prefer not to say anything, tick the 'no' box and send the form back.
• If you don't want your parents to know what you've written, say so on the form. However, the Judge or Sheriff can't promise to keep everything private.
• This is one way of making your views known and they will be listened to - but your parents and the Court are responsible for making these important decisions.
• It might be useful to talk this through with each of your parents.

QUIZ
Your best friend has been very moody recently. When you ask her what’s wrong, she says that her parents have just told her they’re splitting up. Do you?

• A Tell her that it’ll be alright
• B Tell her she’ll be better off without them arguing
• C Ask her how she’s feeling

Your Mum and Dad live apart and find it hard to talk to one another. They expect you to pass messages between them. Do you?

• A Go along with it, because it keeps the peace.
• B Sometimes do it, but feel you have to change the messages in case they upset or annoy either parent.
• C Tell each parent that you need them to work out another way to do this so that you’re free to get on well with both of them.

Your step-dad tells you to tidy your room. Do you?

• A Tell him he’s not your real Dad and can’t tell you what to do.
• B Tell your Mum that he’s picking on you and try to get her to side with you.
• C Ask your step-dad and mum together what exactly they expect you to do around the house. If what they’re asking seems for too much, work out a compromise.

Your parent’s new partner and children are always around the house and you don’t get any time on your own with your parent. Do you?

• A Threaten to go and stay all the time with your other parent.
• B Feel jealous and just keep out of their way.
• C Try suggesting that it would be good to have time for just the two of you occasionally.

A Mostly A's
Maybe you find it hard to know what to say in stressful situations? Try to give yourself time to think things through rather than jumping in with your get reaction.You'll have a better chance of being listened to if you're willing to see other people's points of view and to look for a compromise. Remember, you owe it to yourself to make the best of all the different relationships in your life.

B Mostly B's
Seems like you're taking on responsibility for other people's feelings - perhaps at the expense of your own? Keeping your needs and worries bottled up tends to make problems seem bigger than they are. Try to be more direct and honest with others, perhaps by practising what you want to say with a close friend? Being open about your thoughts and feelings gives you more chance if getting whatever support you need.

C Mostly C's
You're getting the knack of dealing with stress without flying off the handle. You can be upfront and assertive in letting others know how you feel and give sensitive support to your friends. Remember, though, that it's human to blow a fuse occasionally - so try to find a safe way to let off steam. Do make sure that you keep looking after yourself.

Facts File

• Make time for things that you enjoy - listening to music, seeing your friends, sports and hobbies. This will help balance any stress.
• You are not to blame if your parents split up - the separation is between them.
• Remember about 1 in 4 young people in Scotland experience parental separation, so there are a lot of people around who can offer you some understanding and support.
• If it isn't possible for you to keep in touch with one parent - this is not your fault. Try to tell others how you feel about this and do treat yourself well - you are important.
• Give yourself time to get to know new people who come into your family - you can build your own relationship with them.
• However, if problems come along, try and find ways around them. Make your views and feelings known but be prepared to give and take.
• Try to avoid taking sides with either parent - you still need to make the best relationship you can with both your Mum and your Dad.
• Share your worries - talk to friends, family and anyone you trust. If you want some extra support, check out the phone numbers on the back page.