When it happens each family member
could benefit from having someone to talk to in exploring
their feelings and making decisions about the future,
but it is particularly important that children receive
attention and support – especially from their
parents.
It’s also very important that
children have the chance to express or voice their concerns
if they are to come to terms with their new situation.
During this difficult time, some
parents find that their own feelings of anger, resentment
or depression, can make it harder to concentrate on
their children’s needs, regardless of how much
love, care and concern they feel or want to show.
Depending on the age and emotional
development of your child and perhaps what has been
happening before, during and following separation, certain
kinds of behaviour may be noticed.
One way to escape some of the stress
that they are experiencing is for children to withdraw
into play or fantasy. They might wish that their parents
will get back together or, at times, imagine terrible
things happening to themselves or those around them.
With some children, eating disorders
may develop or interest in usual friendships and activities
be lost.
Pretending that nothing has really
changed is often children’s initial reaction to
any painful event and they may play down their worries
or anxieties until they are ready to face things.
Sometimes younger children will return
to “babyish” behaviour. This can make them
feel more secure, as if they have gone back to early
childhood when adults took care of their physical and
emotional needs.
Your child might have some trouble
sleeping, have nightmares, sleepwalk or wet/soil their
bed. These maybe signs of fear and anxiety and are often
expressed in this way by children who cannot show their
feelings at other times.
Another way that children cope with
confusion and upset can be through “clingy”
behaviour, usually towards the parent that they live
with. Difficulties in going between two parents’
homes is frequently a sign of separation anxiety in
young children. This sense of anxiety can make a child
tearful, angry, destructive or even ill. Some children
run away so that they can be the “leaver”
rather than the one who is left behind.
Feelings of anger are likely to be
around and these can be expressed in many ways. Some
children find it difficult to show anger, perhaps of
fear of making things worse, upsetting a parent or losing
control of feelings that have been “bottling up”
inside them.
When anger is not released it can
turn inward on a child and cause feelings of worthlessness
and depression.
Unfortunately, some children may
even try to harm themselves.
Of course, when anger is expressed, difficulties also
arise. For example, children many become more aggressive
in their play, or towards adults. With structure and
supervision play can provide a safe outlet for the child’s
anger. They might want to be the “leader”
in their games and this can give a sense of control
at a time when they are likely to be feeling quite powerless.
When parents come under attack, and
become the target of their child’s anger, it can
be the child’s only way of showing their frustration
at the situation as they try to make sense of an emotional
muddle.
Refusing contact with a parent is
a common way of a child to show this anger, but it can
also be the result of confusion over divided loyalties.
Children might appear confused and
feel unable to take control of their usual daily tasks
like doing homework. Some children worry about getting
a hard time at school because of the situation at home.
Their feelings of anxiety and distress can lead to poor
concentration and the need for extra help with class
work.
For many children the sense of loss
when parents separate is very strong. They might almost
seem as if they are in mourning; crying a lot, wishing
and dreaming that the parents will get back together.
This can be difficult for parents to accept, especially
if they do not share the child’s feelings on this.
When there is conflict between parents children might
be unable to disclose their real feelings in case parents
are upset or disappointed.
When children are involved in adult
disputes either directly or through finding themselves
“caught in the middle”, they often take
on a sense of blame for what’s happening.
They might connect a parent leaving
with their “bad behaviour” being cheeky,
or not tidying their room. This can result in feeling
that they will never be “good enough”, and
a need to always seek approval and please others.
Sometimes this kind of behaviour
gives the child a sense of security and they might act
more “grown up” than is appropriate. If
they take on too much responsibility e.g. giving a lot
of support to parents perhaps by taking care of the
housework or looking after brothers and sisters, their
own needs can go unmet.
These observations and comments
can give a broad idea of the kind of issues that your
child may need help with. It might be a lot to take
on board, but children do learn to cope – what
you can do is help them to cope in a positive way.
Please try not to worry too much
if your child acts out certain behaviour. It is often
better that feelings are shown rather than hidden. Many
kinds of behaviour will feature at some stage in the
normal course of each child’s development, and
don’t always indicate a particular difficulty
or problem caused by separation.
Children often take longer than
adults to realise the full implications of what’s
happening.
Set aside regular time to really
listen to your child. Try to ask your child a few, open
questions to encourage them to talk - 'You look a bit
fed up today, why
don’t we have a chat about it?'
Share with your child some of
what you’re feeling and keep them informed of
any changes which are likely to affect them. Usually
it’s best to do this in as little detail as possible,
as the basic facts can give children enough sense of
security without involving them in too much adult business
or conflicting loyalties.
Remind your child of those things
which won’t change e.g. how much you care about
them, good memories, that they are not to blame for
the break-up, rather
than promise them things which can’t in fact be
guaranteed.
If bedtimes, mealtimes and activities
are already established, keeping to them can provide
a sense of stability and continuity.
This can be the most important
step that you take. Whether you get support from other
relatives and friends or use mediation or counselling,
it is vital that your own emotional needs are met if
you are to be able to respond to your child.
This will give you a better chance
of working out arrangements and coping with changes,
without putting your child in the middle of any conflict.
THIS WAS PRODUCED WITH THE
HELP OF FAMILY MEDIATION WEST’S YOUNG PEOPLE’S
SUPPORT GROUP AND FUNDING FROM THE NATIONAL LOTTERY
CHARITIES BOARD
FAMILY MEDIATION WEST
GLASGOW SERVICE
0141 332 2731
AYRSHIRE SERVICE
01563 572429
See Also: Family
Mediation and Ayrshire
Children's Contact Centre
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