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How mediation works , Family mediation , What about me? , Family mediation in your area
Can bring the greatest stress that most children and their families will ever experience.
When it happens each family member could benefit from having someone to talk to in exploring their feelings and making decisions about the future, but it is particularly important that children receive attention and support – especially from their parents.
It’s also very important that children have the chance to express or voice their concerns if they are to come to terms with their new situation.
During this difficult time, some parents find that their own feelings of anger, resentment or depression, can make it harder to concentrate on their children’s needs, regardless of how much love, care and concern they feel or want to show.
How young children react
Depending on the age and emotional development of your child and perhaps what has been happening before, during and following separation, certain kinds of behaviour may be noticed.
One way to escape some of the stress that they are experiencing is for children to withdraw into play or fantasy. They might wish that their parents will get back together or, at times, imagine terrible things happening to themselves or those around them.
With some children, eating disorders may develop or interest in usual friendships
and activities be lost.
Pretending that nothing has really changed is often children’s initial
reaction to any painful event and they may play down their worries or anxieties
until they are ready to face things.
Sometimes younger children will return to “babyish” behaviour. This can make them feel more secure, as if they have gone back to early childhood when adults took care of their physical and emotional needs.
Your child might have some trouble sleeping, have nightmares, sleepwalk or wet/soil their bed. These maybe signs of fear and anxiety and are often expressed in this way by children who cannot show their feelings at other times.
Another way that children cope with confusion and upset can be through “clingy” behaviour, usually towards the parent that they live with. Difficulties in going between two parents’ homes is frequently a sign of separation anxiety in young children. This sense of anxiety can make a child tearful, angry, destructive or even ill. Some children run away so that they can be the “leaver” rather than the one who is left behind.
Feelings of anger are likely to be around and these can be expressed in many
ways. Some children find it difficult to show anger, perhaps of fear of making
things worse, upsetting a parent or losing control of feelings that have been
“bottling up” inside them.
When anger is not released it can turn inward on a child and cause feelings
of worthlessness and depression.
Unfortunately, some children may even try to harm themselves.
Of course, when anger is expressed, difficulties also arise. For example, children
may become more aggressive in their play, or towards adults. With structure
and supervision play can provide a safe outlet for the child’s anger.
They might want to be the “leader” in their games and this can give
a sense of control at a tine when they are likely be feeling quite powerless.
When parents come under attack, and become the target of their child’s
anger, it can be the child’s only way of showing their frustration at
the situation as they try to make sense of an emotional muddle.
Refusing contact with a parent is a common way of a child to show this anger, but it can also be the result of confusion over divided loyalties.
Children might appear confused and feel unable to take control of their usual daily tasks like doing homework. Some children worry about getting a hard time at school because of the situation at home. Their feelings of anxiety and distress can lead to poor concentration and the need for extra help with class work.
For many children the sense of loss when parents separate is very strong. They might almost seem as if they are in mourning; crying a lot, wishing and dreaming that the parents will get back together. This can be difficult for parents to accept, especially if they do not share the child’s feelings on this. When there is conflict between parents children might be unable to disclose their real feelings in case parents are upset or disappointed.
When children are involved in adult disputes either directly or through finding themselves “caught in the middle”, they often take on a sense of blame for what’s happening.
They might connect a parent leaving with their “bad behaviour” being cheeky, or not tidying their room. This can result in feeling that they will never be “good enough”, and a need to always seek approval and please others.
Sometimes this kind of behaviour gives the child a sense of security and they might act more “grown up” than is appropriate. If they take on too much responsibility e.g. giving a lot of support to parents perhaps by taking care of the housework or looking after brothers and sisters, their own needs can go unmet.
How you can help
These observations and comments can give a broad idea of the kind of issues
that your child may need help with. It might be a lot to take on board, but
children do learn to cope – what you can do is help them to cope in a
positive way.
Please try not to worry too much if your child acts out certain behaviour. It
is often better that feelings are shown rather than hidden. Many kinds of behaviour
will feature at some stage in the normal course of each child’s development,
and don’t always indicate a particular difficulty or problem caused by
separation.
The following practical suggestions may help you to help your child:
1 Give them time to adjust
Children often take longer than adults to realise the full implications of what’s
happening.
2 Listen
Set aside regular time to really listen to your child. Try to ask your child
a few, open questions to encourage them to talk - 'You look a bit fed up today,
why
don’t we have a chat about it?'
3 Talk
Share with your child some of what you’re feeling and keep them informed
of any changes which are likely to affect them. Usually it’s best to do
this in as little detail as possible, as the basic facts can give children enough
sense of security without involving them in too much adult business or conflicting
loyalties.
4 Reassure
Remind your child of those things which won’t change e.g. how much you
care about them, good memories, that they are not to blame for the break-up,
rather
than promise them things which can’t in fact be guaranteed.
5 Stick to Rules and Routines
If bedtimes, mealtimes and activities are already established, keeping to them
can provide a sense of stability and continuity.
6 Help Yourself
This can be the most important step that you take. Whether you get support from
other relatives and friends or use mediation or counselling, it is vital that
your own emotional needs are met if you are to be able to respond to your child.
This will give you a better chance of working out arrangements and coping with
changes, without putting your child in the middle of any conflict.
THIS WAS PRODUCED WITH THE HELP OF FAMILY MEDIATION WEST’S YOUNG PEOPLE’S
SUPPORT GROUP AND FUNDING FROM THE NATIONAL LOTTERY CHARITIES BOARD
FAMILY MEDIATION WEST
GLASGOW SERVICE
0141 332 2731
AYRSHIRE SERVICE
01563 572429
See Also: Ayrshire Children's Contact Centre and Family Mediation